im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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