I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
