just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
