An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
