My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Randomize
