I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.