Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
