totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
