Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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