I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
