I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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