My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
