It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
