Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
