my sisters under your porch take her home
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
