You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
