I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
