i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Another day, another engagement, another cat
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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