I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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