a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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