she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
