just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
