People in love make me want to vomit
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
