Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So much rum. So many feels.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
