She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
