Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
