Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
As shirtless as possible
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
