I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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