Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
