She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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