I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
