wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
