It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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