once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
being pregnant is like rehab
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
