STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
