Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
