Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
