Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
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I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
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It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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