What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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