you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
