I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
