Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
