I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
