she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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