Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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