Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
