Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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