that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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