I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
