And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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