p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I can't put those talents on a resume
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Drunk is a universal language darling
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
