I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
