so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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