my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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