dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
