I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
